11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
