Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
