News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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