Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
