Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
