sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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