it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
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I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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