life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
