Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
