Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she told me i tasted like america
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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