yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
