Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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