i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
