I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
