I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
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she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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