So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
