There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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