I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
