Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
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You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
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for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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