I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
