He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she told me i tasted like america
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
