I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I think I have vodka in my lungs
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
