Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
