my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
