Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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