I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
