my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
