FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
