just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
