If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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