Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Randomize
