careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
