we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
