haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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