I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
