my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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