She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
