my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
