My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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