Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
now i know why i became what i already was.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
