I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
