I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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