things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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