How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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