Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
