Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
