I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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