Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
