I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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