I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
