I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
