My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
