you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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