mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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