someone get that fucking seahorse.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
