He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
