and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
