I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
