New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
