the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I understand Curling. That high.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
