I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
